Sunday, August 9, 2009

Divorce Agreement

Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists, Marxists, Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest election process has made me realize that I want a divorce.  I know, we tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but, sadly, this relationship has run its course.  Our two ideological sides of America cannot, and will not ever agree on what is "right," so let's just end it on friendly terms.  We can smile, chalk it up to irreconcilable differences, and go our own ways.

Here is a model separation agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide the country by landmass: each taking a portion.  That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can come to a friendly agreement.  After that, it should be relatively easy!  Our respective representatives can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and disparate tastes.

We don't like {to} redistribute taxes {in order for you to} keep them, {so we'll just stop participating in that nonsense}.  You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.  Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA, and the military.  You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell. (You are, however, {solely} responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to move all three of them).

We'll keep the Capitalism: greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies, Wal-Mart, and Wall Street.  You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys, hippies, and illegal aliens.  We'll keep the hot Alaskan hockey moms, greedy CEOs, and rednecks.  We'll keep the Bibles {Churches of various denominations, prayers, “In God We Trust,” and Fox News} and give you NBC {CNBC, ABC, CBS, CNN; although we retain the option to watch for the entertainment/time filler value on slow real news nights} and Hollywood.

You can make nice with Iran and Palestine and we'll retain the right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.  You can have the peaceniks, and war protesters.  When our allies or our way of life are under assault, we'll help provide them security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian values... You are welcome to {radical} Islam, Scientology {and Tom -n-Katie}, Humanism, and Shirley MacLaine. You can also have the U.N., but we will no longer be paying the bill {for the privilege of being consistently insulted, threatened, and reviled}.

We'll keep the SUVs, pickup trucks, and oversized luxury cars {or even the small cute, sporty ones, if that’s the type we want and can afford to have}. You can take every Subaru station wagon you can find.

You can give everyone healthcare, if you can find any practicing doctors.  We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right. We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem.  I'm sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing, Kum Ba Ya {sic}, or We Are the World.

Since it often so offends you we'll keep our history, our name, and our flag.  {We’ll continue to fly our American Flag high and proudly. You can alternate every “flag du jour” you want.}

We'll practice trickle down economics, and you can give trickle up poverty your best shot.

Would you agree to this?  If so, please pass it along to other like-minded liberal and conservative patriots {so that they, too, can sign the Divorce Agreement}.

In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR which one of us will need whose help in 15 years.


John J. Wall
Law Student and an American

P.S. Also, please take Barbara Streisand & Jane Fonda along with you.

{Edited and emphasis added by MCzwz}

Agreement Signatures: